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Lemon Radio News

Lemon Radio News: Area man changes his surname from McDonald.

An area man changes his surname from McDonald!

It's the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

An area man has changed his last name from McDonald to something else, because he hates that fast food chain, and wants no part in giving them free advertising.

The area man, whose first name is Ronald, wasn't clowing around when he finally got fed up with people asking him for free Big Macs and Triple Thick Shakes.

He also says that McDonald's menu has gotten so big and bloated that he stopped going there years ago in favor of going to another hamburger chain.

He enjoys that one so much, that he has changed his last name to...King, and adopted a middle name: Burger.

Don't ask him for a free Whopper.

This is Royal Deadman for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: Area Man Feels Fuller

Area man feels fuller after eating a meal.

It's the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

An area man who made numerous greviances about being hungry, was driven to a local all you can eat buffet earlier this afternoon.

Edwin A. Newman reports almost live on location.

Two accomplances escorted an area man to a local Food Plantation buffet. Each of them paid $10 for the privilege of enjoying their buffet.

After two hours of downing soups, salads, steaks, potatoes, carrots, and more, the area man said he was finally full, and was unable to enjoy any more of the buffet.

When asked for comment, he replied that he was so full that he didn't even have room for Jello. Royal?

Thank you, Edwin.

And this just in!

An area man is complaining that he is full after eating a meal. We'll keep you posted as it develops.

This is Royal Deadman, for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: Area man guns down complex restaurant menu

An area man guns down a complex restaurant menu!

This is the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

An area man was so fed up with the long amount of time his wife was taking to decide what to order at a local big chain restaurant that the gunman decided to shoot down all of the menu panels with his rifle, except for the Value Menu panel.

Correspondent Hess Charleston, has more.

The gunman's wife was taking up a lot of time trying to decide which of the 1000 items to choose from.

The impatient husband got so mad, he decided to simpifly the menu himself. He took out a rifle and gunning down most of the menu panels. He told her to settle for a value hamburger, fries, and a small drink.

Back to Royal:

Police were called into the scene, but he and his wife had fled before they arrived. They were last seen heading towards another restaurant with a simple menu. In-N-Out.

Royal Deadman for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: An area man is sticking with VHS.

An area man sticks with VHS!

This is the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

In a bold move, an area man is going against the tide of digital video recorders, and is choosing to stick with the VHS analog cassette tape recorder until the day he dies. Max Beta has more.

Max has more on this

Max: This area man shows me that while the money sucking scum called TiVo costs $18 a month to use, his VHS VCR costs him about a dime in electricity costs a month for him to operate, saving him enough cash to afford a week's worth of meals.

Max: The Area Man, who is shunning the digital age, has this to say:

Area Man: TiVo sucks money. Plain and simple. Why invent products that cost way more money a month to do the same things that older technology can do for free?

Royal: And this just in! Area Man who stuck with VHS since 1982 has just died. The reason? His cable company dropped analog service, rendering his VHS VCR useless.

Royal Deadman, for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: Area Student Arrested For Illegam Math Operation

An area student is arrested for performing an illegal operation.

This is the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

Policemen have booked an area student for breaking a mathematics code prohibiting dividing by zero.

Larry Thomas reports.

LT: A high school math teacher placed a citizen's arrest on a student after witnessing that the student was performing division by zero operations on the left side of the homework paper's margin.

LT: The teacher had his helper call the campus security to take the boy to a holding cell for transfer to the city's police.

LT: The mathematics code states, and I quote in section 12.033: "Division by zero operations can be performed only by licensed math professionals with a masters degree in imaginary mathematics."

LT: If charged, the boy could be forced to learn to add numbers using an abacus in order for him to pass his current math course in high school.

Larry Thomas reporting.

Back to RD:

A spokesman for the high school says that whether the boy is charged or not, he will have to spend 16 hours of community service if he wants his high school diploma.

This is Royal Deadman for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: Attorney Commits Career Suicide

An area attorney commits career suicide.

This is the Lemon Radio News.

Royal Deadman reporting.

An area ex-client of attorney So Badman has decided to sue him for tweeting to people that they should kill themselves.

The area sue-er, or whatever, claims that the attorney's reputation is ruined because of his tweets, and can no longer be trusted to practice law.

And this just in!

The Banana State Bar Association has threatened to pull the license of So Badman unless he refunds the area man plus interest, and dedicate the rest of his life to defending poor prison inmates for free.

This is Royal Deadman for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: Geek Comes Out as a Dork

A former geek comes out as a dork.

It's the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

Earlier today on National Coming Out Day, an area man holds a press conference to announce that he's been living in denial all his life and boldly admitted to the local TV and radio audience that he's a dork.

He says he spent many years pretending to be a fan of geek culture such as super heroes, sci-fi, anime, video games, and the Furry Kingdom.

While all of this time, however, he's been in the closet about his favorite kind of culture, such as blue collar humor, reality shows, reruns of old sitcoms, western and war stories, and sports talk shows.

He finally came out today and loudly proclaimed, "I'm a dork!"

Nerds, dweebs, and geeks that were once his friends have since defriended him on facebook for outing himself. However, he has since gained 100 times the amount of defriended people, mostly by other closet dorks following him.

And this just in! The community of Hazard, Georgia, home of the famous dork comedy The Dukes of Hazzard, has announced plans for the first ever Dork Pride weekend festival. Date to be announced.

This is Royal Deadman of the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: I Don't Like Spam!

I Don't Like Spam!

It's the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

This reporter is making a public announcement that I am sick and tired of getting spam in my e-mail box.

Monty Circus has more.

Monty: LRN anchorman Royal Deadman is just acting silly. This stupid reporter likes to get a million spam messages a year. He just won't admit that he really enjoys reading e-mails from such topics as genital enlargement, Nigerian cash rewards, Letters by Walt Disney Jr., Donations to help a terminally ill child, phishing for information done by fake bank websites, and unsoliticited executable files.

Monty: Send all of your spam to his secret e-mail address. royaldeadman@lemonradionews.com

Back to Royal:

And this just in.

A giant foot has fallen from the sky, and crushed Monty Circus to death.

Royal Deadman, for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: States Secede!

The states of confusion, shock, and several others seceede from the Union.

This is the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

After the Federal government passed legislation that raised the national debt to record levels, several states said enough is enough, and decided to seceede from the union.

Jon Baldman has more.

Jon: The states of confusion, shock, tranquility, serenity, stability, delusion, desperation, and others have joined in the secession movement to form their own government where the national debt would be zero.

Jon: There would be no deficit. It would run everything including manufacturing plants, restaurants, agriculture, and energy production among others.

Jon: The income tax rate would be a flat 80 percent.

Jon: Everybody would pay for health care themselves in order for the government to provide it.

Back to RD:

The United States government could not be reached for comment.

Royal Deadman for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: Super Computer is Super Stupid!

The Super Computer is Super Stupid!

This is the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

The area university's Super Computer has been declared the stupidest computer on earth.

We get more on this from the university's dean of computer science.

Dean: Recent lab tests have proven that our university's super computer has made a whopping and unfathomable 16 trillion miscalculations a second.

Dean: Among the mistakes: 2+2=3, getting all of the questions to the Jeopardy answers wrong, being unable to open a sliding door, speaking a dead computer language no computer understands, multiple attempts to divide by zero, and attempting to compute numbers on base pi.

Dean: We had to keep shutting it down when it attempted to decipher the meaning of this sentence: "I am telling a lie," for fear that it will overheat from thinking too hard about it, and melt down into a useless ball of steel.

Back to RD:

The super stupid computer has been tapped to be a guest star in the stupid reality series, Jersey Shore.

Royal Deadman, for the Lemon Radio News.

Lemon Radio News: Valerie Bertinelli

Valerie Bertinelli is still cute.

This is the Lemon Radio News. Royal Deadman reporting.

Scientists visiting Hollywood California last week for a taping of Hot in Cleveland, have put one of its stars, Bertinelli, under a microscope for closer examination, and have concluded that she is still cute.

Professor Sid Kells has more.

Sid: After our microscope expert Bobby Cooper examined her skin tones, DNA, and blood cells, we have concluded that Bertinelli is still cute, and was awarded a Certificate of Cuteness.

Back to RD:

And in a related story, scientists are currently debating who is the sexiest woman in the world: Jennifer Lopez or Steven Tyler.

This is Royal Deadman for the Lemon Radio News

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