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The Adventures of the P.B. Ranger

Theme from the Lone Ranger plays.

Announcer: From out of a shack just south of La Jolla, the thundering hoofbeats pound with a hearty Hi Ho Copper Away! The P.B....

Stan interrupts: Hold, it, announcer.

(music screeches to a halt)

Announcer: Why the interrupton?

Stan: What happened to Silver?

Announcer: We couldn't afford the price of Silver, so we had to settle for Copper.

Stan: Oh. Carry on.

(music screeches back into motion)

Announcer: The P.B. Ranger rides again! The P.B. Ranger and his trusty sidekick, Nerdman, riding his swift mustang named Torino, embark on another mindless mission, raiding the dwellings of Pacific Beach, in search of...weird and insane activities goings-on!"

(music fades)

Announcer: We join our superhero as he relaxes in his office at his shack just south of La Jolla. He's surfing the Internet when he comes across some troubling activity on a website.

PB: Hey, Nerdman. Come on over.

NM: What's going on. P.B.?

PB: I'm at The Rump website and I see the same person posting the same negative criticism on every song posting of the same artist that he hates.

NM: I sense that there's trouble going on.

PB: That's right, Nerd Man. Take a look at this Rump Sideshow posting. (pause for 2 seconds) And this one. (pause for 2 seconds) And this one. (pause for 2 seconds) And this one. Do you see a pattern, Nerdman?

NM: Hmm. It looks like the same person complaining about every one of the songs another person has posted. He keeps repeating the same complaints about the artist that he hates not using real instruments, using references, and can't sing or rap.

PB: You know, it looks like a pager problem.

NM: Eh, that's Major problem, P.B.

PB: Thanks for correcting me.

NM: And yes there's a problem going on there.

PB: And I can tell that something needs to be done.

NM: That's right. This Major critic has no life.

PB: What? I thought it was about the songs. They do sound bad.

NM: Everybody has a right to put out stuff some people find bad. Why do you think the Beastie Boys are so popular? And Microsoft has been putting out bad products for years.

PB: OK. You talked me out of picking on The Rump Sideshow poster. I guess it's just me that thinks the songs are bad.

NM: We should be going after this Major critic. He's only posting the negative comments to the same Sideshow poster and nobody else.

PB: Sounds like a hairdresser.

NM: That's harasser, PB?

PB: Thank you.

NM: This Major critic has to be dealt with.

PB: You're right, Nerdman. We need to find out where this Major critic resides. Nerdman, how can we find out.

NM: I saveed one of the Rump Sideshow HTML pages. Then, I open up the page in a text editor, and scan down until I find.... AHA! There it is!

PB: What did you find?

NM: The four-number IP address that Major critic is using. We can find out where he resides.

PB: Great. But what else can it do?

NM: The IP address tells us what Internet Service Provider he uses and what city he lives in. I can look it up on the IP Parse website and contact the ISP of the Major critic for assistance.

PB: Bravo!

Announcer: A few hours later, our Superheroes arrive at a dumpy little trailer just outside the suburbs in some city.

PB: Hmm. This must be the trailer of Major critic.

NM: Looks like this place is a mess. Let's knock on the door.

KNOCK KNOCK

MC: WHO IS IT!?!

PB: This is the P.B. Ranger and my sidekick, Nerdman. Open this door at once.

MC: GO AWAY!

PB: Well then, we'll just turn the knob anyway since it doesn't have a lock on it.

MC: NOOOO!!!

PB: You are Major critic on the Rump Sideshow?

MC: Prove it!

NM: You see this IP address on this paper. It leads you to this address.

PB: And there's his computer hooked up to the ISP. His web browser is on The Rump Sideshow, and he's posting another flame attack on the same artist's song submissions.

MC: Get out of my house!

PB: You're under citizen arrest for harrassment. Nerd Man, notify the police while I apprehend him.

NM: Sure thing.

PB: So you don't like this person on The Rump Sideshow. How come you never criticize me?

MC: Huh? Who are you on the net?

PB: Look it up. My song, "Funny Music", is under the name of "The Song Pig." Ever heard of my song?

MC: No. Never bothered to listen.

PB: You think that David Tanny's songs stink? Here's what I sound like.

(plays the song, off-key and out of rhythm.)

MC: Stop it! Stop it! You're the worst singer on the Rump Sideshow!

PB: Thank you. I am so touched.

NM: The police are here.

PB: Here he is, officers, an Internet storker.

NM: Uh, that's stalker, PB.

PB: Thank you.

MC: I don't want to go to jail.

PB: Take him away officers.

Announcer: Tune in again next time whenever that is for another unexciting adventure of the P.B. Ranger!

Hi Ho, Copper. Away? Ahhh! Whoa! Help!

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